I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize