If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
