the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
now i know why i became what i already was.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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