Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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