I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
