I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
