The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
