the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
