drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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