Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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