Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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