I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
there is glitter all over my balls
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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