you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
