I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
