Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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