I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
