I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
