So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
