If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
