Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
