Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
