He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
