when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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