I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
