I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
