she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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