the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
