There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
you never un-have a 4some
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
