Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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