I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
