the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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