Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
