Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
