so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
