No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
