I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
