I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
