you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
