my being single is dangerous.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
