he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
