my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
