So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
