Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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