You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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