I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
