I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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