On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
