So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
