Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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