did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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