Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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