these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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