I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
