It's Friday. Sex?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
