if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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