If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
