Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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