feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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