Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
