i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
